Monday 28 June 2010

11 months old!

Today my baby girl is 11 months old.

These last 11 months have been such a joy!

Some of you know the reason why she's so treasured... but most of you don't.

You see, my fifth child - a girl - was supposed to be born in March, 2006.

But, as the pregnancy went on, I got an overwhelming sense that something wasn't right.  I couldn't bond with that baby, I just kept feeling that something was wrong.  She starting kicking at 13 weeks, and as I felt her flutters, I couldn't shake the feeling.

I reached 20 weeks.  I had stopped feeling the baby move a few days before.  I called the midwife to find out the results of the u/s I'd had almost two weeks before.

The results were devastating.

My baby was incompatible with life.  That report said that my baby had no brain, no arms and no legs. 

I was in shock.

We were immediately sent for another u/s.

I sobbed the whole time.  The tech kept asking if I wanted her to stop, but I needed to know.

My baby definitely wasn't alive.

But, she DID have a brain, arms and legs.  There was an unknown mass in her abdomen.

I was given drugs to induce labour.

I suffered.  A lot.  That was the most pain I've ever experienced.

My tiny baby girl was born Oct. 26, 2005 at exactly 20 weeks gestation.

She had a condition that is not very common - and in fact, has many names... Cloacal dysgenesis sequence, Urorectal Malformation Sequence, etc.  It means she had no holes in her perineum.  She had swallowed all her amniotic fluid, and couldn't pee it out.  There was no 'mass' - just all the fluid that couldn't leave her body.

I was devastated.  We waited months for a referral to a geneticist.  When our appt. finally came, we found out it's not genetic, but rather a result of Folic Acid deficiency.  Because I don't absorb B vitamins very well, my baby had this condition.

It was a relief to know that it was a fluke, but it was also so hard to know that I could have prevented it.

Then, I became pregnant again at the beginning of 2008.  I was taking *lots* of Folic Acid.  But, I got the same feeling that something was wrong.  I lost that baby at 11 weeks.

I figured God was telling me that my baby season was over.  I accepted it, and began enjoying my children even more.  I was actually glad to be out of 'the baby stage'.  Michael could go to the bathroom by himself, and wash his own hands!  :D

So, you can imagine my surprise when I started feeling nauseous.  I wasn't happy about it.  I was so convinced that something was going to go wrong.  AND I had really been enjoying life without the 'work' of a baby.

The pregnancy was rough.  I was really sick.  And worried that something was going to be wrong.  I couldn't bond with her.

And then, she was born.  And I looked into her eyes.

And immediately was smitten.

God knew that I needed her.  Just when I thought my baby days were over, He blessed me with another.

And I wouldn't change a thing.



  1. Hugs, tears. Joy. God is so much greater than we can ever fathom on this earth. Your story is beautiful. As are your children :)

  2. A beautiful message. Your strength amazes me.
    Thanks for sharing. I can still read your pain going through that, and yet you give praise to God.

    What a gorgeous little girl. 11 months already? Wow.

  3. "And immediately was smitten."

    I REMEMBER. I remember watching you gaze at Baby Hannah, and falling in love. It was like slow motion, as fast as the blink of an eye.

    One of my favourite moments, ever.

    I love you. I am so glad that God blessed you with such a precious baby girl. And that He let you through the valley of the shadow of death, and proved Himself faithful.


    Interesting that she looks the most like you, eh?

  4. Wow. You and Heather both tonight, so honest and so real. Wow.

  5. First Heather, now you... oh man. I'm just bawling.

    I remember being so heartbroken for you both.. and then when you were pregnant with Hannah, I was so afraid that it would happen again. I didn't want you to have to go through that again, especially since we were due at the same time! I am so EXCEEDINGLY thankful that both our precious gifts were born healthy and happy and oh so loved!

    Now I gotta go dry my eyes. Deklan is looking at me like "What's wrong, Mommy?" It's so cute. :)

  6. Oh my goodness, Adeena, I can't believe I missed this post. I didn't see it when I was on earlier. I don't have the words. How heartbreaking. I can't believe you went all the way to 20 weeks. I can't imagine anything more devastating. I lost a baby too, very very early; right after we found out in fact. What a wonderful, beautiful blessing your little Hannah is. A gift from God. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  7. I can't stop thinking about your story. In fact, I had to come back because I was so caught up in the words, I didn't even see the pictures of your sweet baby. So I came back just for the pictures. She is such a lovely, happy little one. The expressions you captured are precious. And I love the (I love Mommy shirt). So sweet. :-)

  8. Karli, you are right. Baby Banana is so happy because SHE. IS. LOVED.

    She is loved unconditionally by her mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and granny (Especially granny, who loves all the babies) and poppa and grand parents and everyone and cousins and all the people. She knows she is loved.

    And that makes her a happy baby girl.


I read and appreciate every comment I get! I will try to either respond by email, or by visiting your blog.

Thanks for visiting! :)